I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
