my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
