my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
