Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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