dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
