Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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