guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
