Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
