i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
