I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
