alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just invented taco cereal.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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