My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
