I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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