I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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