you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
