imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
