ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
