went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
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Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
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The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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