Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
