we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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