i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
This house was built for laser tag.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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