On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
