I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
