The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
