im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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