I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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