were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
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