I skipped work to stalk him.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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