I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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