there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
