I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
