my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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