she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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