you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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