I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
