Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
