I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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