I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
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My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
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So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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