Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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