Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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