The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
