just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
So squirting runs in the family.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
