when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
