This dress was meant to end up on your floor
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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