I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
