Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
