Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
