see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
