I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
