Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize