omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
