Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
