I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
no, he came in my armpit
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
