Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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