i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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