Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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