I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
