I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
