he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
