got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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