Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
