woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
